...So, I was contently watching my favorite show, Project Runway, when I found myself in tears...
What brought me to tears was when one of the designers, Korto, said that she was forced to leave Africa when she was a young girl. She stated what I have felt in the core of my being since I was 6 years old...but never had voiced.. "something dies in you when you're taken away from your homeland".
I have felt this void and death in my soul all my life. You see, I was born in Southern Spain, the youngest of three children. Due to the death of my Mother, all three of us were put in an orphanage when I was four. After 2 years, I was adopted by an American couple... but my brother and sister were not. They were taken out soon after I left, to live with my Father and Stepmother. I was taken to Portugal to live for a year until the paperwork was completed for my adoption. A new country, new language, new home with unfamiliar faces. I felt like my whole family had died... like a fish out of water.
Soon I was flying over the Atlantic Ocean hundreds of miles from my homeland to live in Florida and meet my new parents, live in a new country, learn a new language, once again ... and no familiar faces. I don't mean to sound ungrateful... I was very lucky to be "the chosen one", but at the same time I felt like the biggest loser. Being ripped from my roots was such a painful experience. My new parents were very good to me, and I grew to love them, but nothing could take away that aching that I had for my Father and siblings and my very humble home , so far away. I remember when I first came to the U.S. I would try to find the tallest tree and wish that I could climb to the top of it , so I could try to "see" my home town in Spain.
Well, the years went by and I became entrenched in being the only child and living the American Dream. Am I sorry that this happened to me? Yes... No... I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my Mother had not ignored the cut on her leg that ended her life. The grown up part of me realizes that life is unpredictable and at any moment can take a wicked turn. The child in me still mourns the life that I never got to experience as a Spaniard, full of family and rich in culture. What would I be doing right now? Oh, if only we could live in a parallel universe.....
Would I trade my life for the one I never got to experience?....OH, HECK NO !! I have the perfect life right now. I couldn't ask for more. My knight in shining armor to love me and protect me, my two beautiful, loving and intelligent daughters, a home that I would never have dared to dream of... truly blessed beyond belief.... and let's not forget Duchess!
....But there's still that melancholy little girl inside, looking for a tall tree to climb... trying to see my homeland...
35 comments:
Oh, dear...I am feeling too sad right now to write very much..I will have to come back later...my heart is so full and overflowing and so are my tears....love, bj
Oh Rose, this just brought tears to my eyes. As an adoptee who really doesn't even know where she's from, I feel some of the curiosity and pain that you have described. At least I didn't have to learn a new language and customs. Do you have contact with your brother and sister? My heart aches for that little girl in you. I KNOW how very fortunate I was to have been adopted by wonderful parents, and I have no regrets about that. I, similar to you, just have this feeling that I don't have any roots or anywhere I belong. I can see that it would have been much more difficult had I come from a different culture. God bless that little girl in you. Laurie (bargainhunr)
Oh God, Santa, this practically made me weep. What I don't understand is why your older siblings got to go live with your father, but you got adopted and taken away from your natural family. I'm so confused, and more than a little depressed now too! Have you ever thought of trying to find them?
Justine :o )
Hi Santa,
First of all...HUGS....you just sound like you could use one! This is truly a sad story. Although I still have both of my parents, I never knew but one of my grandparents, and he died when I was 6....so I always wonder what might have been...and have always wondered how it would have been if they were here...at least for a little longer. My mother's mom died when she was 11 and her father when she was 18, and she was the oldest left to care for her brothers & sisters. Two of them ended up in the orphanage...so I kind of understand. Your photo was so cute! All I can say is it will be better one day....you'll see your mommy again! LOL
Rose, I too am so sorry for your pain. When I look at the gifted art you produce, the expressions on the Santas and your writting, I see a bright, intelligent and multi talented lady. I was taught to do this in counseling. Wrap your arms around yourself and give your self a tight squeezing hug. It works.
No, darlin'....that's one thing that is so wonderful about blogging...we can spill our guts, happy or sad, and no one judges us...we are all in this together and sometimes, what we can't say to our real-life friends, we can say to our cyber friends.....it is a wonderful thing to have BOTH!!
SEE YA when I get home...we leave tomorrow for Houston to catch that fabulous boat...nay...SHIP on Sunday morning...staying with friends in Houston a couple of nights...
love, bj
Rose... this ruly touched my heart and made me cry girl!!! I am so glad you have a wonderful family now and 2 beautiful daughters to love you...How great to know about the wonderful women behind all the great Santa's.... Thank you for sharing...Hugs and love dear friend..Gloria
Dear Sweet Laurie and Gloria,
You two are such kind special people and I appreciate you so much. Thanks for your comforting and caring words. Laurie, my siblings broke contact with me after a while. I persisted and then just gave up trying. They had issues with the whole thing and unfortunately, there was some jealousy in the picture as well. I'm so glad that your story had a happy ending as well, Laurie. It sounds like you are surrounded by so many people that love you ! I guess we share a common bond.
I hope I didn't come off as a whiner, I just wanted to express my feelings and get them out of my head. I am very thankful for the way things turned out. It's like a fairy tale, really.
I came over to talk Project Runway...and then I read this post and was so touched! I can't imagine how scared and lonely you must have been. And the whole tree thing just choked me up! I feel sorry for myself because I had to leave my beautiful Utah, and my family all live so far away...but now I'm gonna never feel bad again!
I feel dumb talking Runway now...but your comment about Kenley made me laugh...she is a brat...but you have to admire her for fighting hard for her dream! I was stunned that they sent Girelle home. I really didn't see that coming. But Leanne's was definitely the best two dresses so she had to stay. I think I'm pleased though with the final three and an all woman finale! Can't wait till next week!
You were not a buzzkill at all! I like posts like this, because to me it shows that you really care about us bloggers that love you, and that you feel comfortable enough to share something so important to you and close to your heart.
You didn't answer my last question from my previous comment though!
Justine :o )
What a moving and heartfelt post. Next time you want to climb a tree, you let me know and I'll get up there with ya.
Hugs, Penny
I read a lot of sadness in your heart, but then I look at your blog and see a lot of pride, happiness and security in your life. You are right, you were the chosen one.
Hugs,
Chris
Santa,
Stopping by to thank you for your sweet comment. The irony of it is that "I Wonder" by Kelly Pickler is playing on my playlist right now...and her pain in this song is similar to yours. If you're an American Idol fan, I'm sure you have heard her story. If you've never heard it, I'd invite you to come over and click on it. I don't think anyone could read this and not get a little boo-hoodlie! On a happier note, I'm inviting you over to my pad to join me in my STIM-A-LA-TIN PARTY! http://confessionsofa40-somethingmamaqueen.blogspot.com/
Have a great weekend! Cheer up! I think the sun's coming out tomorrow...at least here!
Hello Rose...
I feel honored that you shared your story with us...it's not always easy to "bare one's soul"! But I know that a healing can take place in doing just that!
I guess it's a natural thing...to look back and ask ourselves the question, "What might have been...if..." At the same time, I believe that it's all of the things that we've experienced in life that makes us who we are today!!! I thank the Lord that, that American couple came and got you...raised you...because where would we be without you..."Our dear Santa"!!! Thank you for sharing yourself with us, Rose!
Love you my friend!
Chari (Happytodesign)
Hello Rose, I was also so touched by your post today, what an incredibly emotional time for a seven year old to have had to go through, I can see from your wonderful home and truly gifted talents and beautiful family that you are blessed at this time, but understand completly from your words that there is a huge part of your heart and soul that aches for that little girl, your family and your homeland of Spain. I wish you well Rose, hugs, Kathy.
Oh my...that just brought me to tears. How lonely you must have been. Have you had any contact at all with your father and siblings...even now?
Hugz girlfriend...I'm glad you're on blogland..we're all friends here!
Michele
Hello Rose!
Gosh...I left a comment about an hour ago and I see that it never showed up...hmmm!!!
Just wanted to tell you thank you for sharing your story with us...I know that it's difficult at times to really "bare your soul"...but in doing that...healing comes!!! I hope that you find a little more peace regarding this situation!!!
Love ya my friend!!!
Chari (Happytodesign)
Dear Rose,
I just want to give you a great big hug! That was such a traumatic experience for a young child.
I was adopted when I was 6 months old by a wonderful family who loved me very much, but when I reached my teen years I began to feel a disconnection. Like Laurie, I felt that I didn't really have roots & no one looked like me. When I looked at all my parent's relatives on both sides, I could tell they were related. They were connected & shared features & characteristics. (I always look at families to see who they all look like.)
Don't get me wrong, I've had a wonderful life, but there's always that curiosity & wonder if there could be a connection with someone I don't know.
Love,
Diane
DEAR SWEET ROSE,
THERE'S NOT MUCH ANYONE CAN REALLY SAY.YOU,AS A VERY INTELLIGENT WOMAN KNOW ALL THE THINGS WE COULD EVER SAY TO YOU.I AGREE SO MUCH WITH CHRIS,YOU INDEED ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.EVERYTHING INDEED DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON.AND OUR PAIN DOES MAKE US STRONGER.I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU FOR SOME TIME.YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND TRULY CARE FOR YOUR FELLOWMAN.IT SHOWS IN ALL YOU DO.YOUR GRACE AND SENSITIVITY ASTOUND ME SOMETIMES.HONEY,GOD DID GOOD WHEN HE MADE YOU.AND ALL WHO KNOW YOU ARE VERY LUCKY.YOU MAY HAVE TURNED OUT TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND PROBABLY WOULD HAVE.WHETHER BETTER OR WORSE...ANN
Hi, I just found you through Sarah at Beach Cottage and reading through your post just made my heart ache for you.
How very sad and frightening it must have been for you as a little girl being taken away to a new country to live with strangers. I don't know what else to say except God bless and I will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Nel
I did not think that stopping by your blog for the first time I would learn so much about you. I sort of feel like I have invaded your privacy, even though I know that is not how you feel.
Let me say, it is nice to meet you.
Thank you for stopping by my blog.
I have taken a few minutes to read some of your older posts. Your home is beautiful.
You have inspired me to do a little touching up here and there before the holidays.
I too love dishes...just yesterday I was at TJ Maxx and fell in love with so many new plates! How many plates does one girl need?
denise
Your story really touched me, Rose. Thank you for sharing it. I can understand why you would always look back but thank heavens, God really had a good plan for you cause the outcome really shows....Christine (xinex)
Dear friends,
I am deeply touched by all of you. Thank you all so much for your heartfelt concern and support. I was overwhelmed with all of your comforting words. Thanks also for embracing the little girl...it means a lot. It never fails to amaze me how this impersonal computer can strip away our judgements for others and just lets us speak heart to heart, irregardless of race, social status, religion or physical appearances. I was unsure if I should have posted my story, baring my soul to cyberspace. But you are so right, Chari, by doing so, healing will come. You'd think that by now, I would have gotten "over" this..all those years I had been brushing these feeling aside or more accurately, stuffing them down ( along with some cookies, I might add...LOL) and I think that it was time to release them. (Geeze, a heck of a lot cheaper than going to a psychiatrist !)I agree with you Ann, everything happens for a reason and all the pain we endure makes us stronger and the person that we are today. Laurie, I'm glad to share a common bond with you and also Diane. Although we may have many questions concerning our heritage, the one question we don't have to worry about is wether we were wanted by our adoptive parents. They really had to jump through hoops to get us. Who knew there are so many of us out there?!?
I look back at my life and feel like I'm the Cinderella, I really hit the lottery, because I am rich beyond measure with my family and friends.
You have touched my heart beyond words. I cannot imagine how you must feel. Torn in ways that I have never experienced I would guess. Hearing you tell of how you had hoped that by climbing a tree tall enough that perhaps you could see your "home" broke my heart. I am certain that God has placed you exactly where you are meant to be and that the lives you touch are forever made better because of you. I have seen your talents in your creation as well as in your home and in reading your words, i know that I have been touched by you. May God fill your heart with a comfort and peace that erases all the questions and heartache you have. May you always know how special you are and loved by many.
I hope you have a chance to go back to Spain to visit. If not, plan a trip soon! You deserve that!!
Oh, my! That is the other side of the story we rarely hear. Even though I have thought about that aspect of adoption, your words really touched my heart. We adopted our daughter at 3 weeks of age, but I know she has considered many times what her parallel life might have been. Thanks for sharing your story. Sally
I hope you're having a fantastic day and feel that we all love you.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Love ya,
Chris
Thank you so much for visiting my blog; your comment meant a great deal to me. Now I have been able to visit your blog. Your story is so unbelievably moving. Thank you for sharing it with us. With all you went through, I am glad you had loving adoptive parents, and found your husband. That doesn't change what you went through, but at least eases some of the pain.
Just wanted to add that I love the photos of your home.
How sad! I know people who have been adopted, and they too always have a longing for a connection to their roots. You were old enough to have memories of your homeland and family. Have you ever been able to go to Spain as an adult? And have you been able to contact your family? I hope these questions aren't too personal, and if they are, you don't have to answer.
My mother spent 4 years in an orphanage in Toledo, Ohio, from age 9-13, and then she was adopted, which is unusual at that age! Her years in the orphanage were NOT good.
Kady
Rose, here is a HUG from me. My heart is aching for you and the pain you have felt and fell now. But like others have said, our pain and experiences...god and bad, make us who we are today...and you are a wonderful, generous person who has a whole worls of people out here in blogland that love and care for you. I hope your heart will heal. You will be in my thoughts. I feel like I really "know" you now. Thanks for sharing this tory. HUGS, Pinky
I just found your beautiful blog tonight. After reading the story of being torn from your homeland, I could cry for you.
But, like you say, wonderful husband, beautiful children, gorgeous home, sweet doggie....sometimes we have to take the trade-off..AND SOMETIMES IT IS EVEN BETTER !
Sincerely, Rose
Hi Rose...I'm running around trying to play catch up and I'm so glad I came by to read your last couple of posts...It is so amazing how a little child can be bounced around like you were and still come out on the other side so warm, loving and caring as you are. It is a pleasure to "know" you and to know even more about you now! More hugs to you, ;-) Bo
I cried when I read this. I'm glad you have a wonderful family of your own and I guess that's what it's all about. I had a very traumatic childhood but now feel i have been blessed with a amazing husband and a secure and happy family of *my* own which in a way I feel balances the first part of my life.
I don't know what the answer is or was to the adoption scenario with you. My mother's identical twin sisters got adopted each to a different family. They never got over it. I often think of them.
I know exactly where you are coming from with the tree thing and feel your pain, I often think i could look down on me as a child and see something very different from what actually was reality...I don't know...just *so* painful
Sarah
Rose,
Glad you shared your feelings and this story. It always seems to me that the people who are the most creative, talented and full of life are those who have "survived" some of the most difficult circumstances. I truly admire your strength. Your siblings have made a very foolish choice in choosing to not be a integral part of your life. I hope one day they "come to their senses" and realize what they are missing. But if there is one thing I've learned over the years is...we can not ever control another person's behavior/actions, only our own. Love to you! Susan
Believe it or not...I have similar feelings about my childhood...not exactly like your story, but...
I am so glad that I have been able to meet you and how wonderful that the blog world exists! Simply amazing!
Blessings & Aloha!
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